Ask Glenna – A New Advice Column


I met Glenna about a year ago and immediately liked her. Initially we connected through a love of nonsensical comments and doodles, but then I was a guest on The Mariya Alexander Show (in which Glenna was a member – note: linked clip NSFW) and was impressed with Glenna’s insights. She’s passionate about the work we do here, and we’ve met many times to talk and strategize about YNPE. Each time she asked, “how can I help?”

I’ve wanted to launch an advice column for a while, since I receive so many questions on how to manage that “not pretty enough” feeling, and this seemed like the perfect time to bring her in.

 

Dear Glenna,
I actually really like myself. I think I am smart, and brave, and funny and creative, and that I would be a total catch. However, I am totally stuck on my physical form. I think I am fat and ugly, and definitely “not pretty enough.” I have even had guys say that to me – “you are not pretty enough to fuck,” or, I am pretty enough for sex, apparently, but “not pretty enough to date.” I stopped online dating. They only ever look at my picture and decide I am not worthy. It is devastating, and crushing, and I can’t get past it.

I can take a compliment, and I genuinely can’t think of anything that I feel I am not enough of. If you have any ideas about what I can do to deaden some of these feelings, I would love to hear them.
— Stuck

 

Dear Stuck,

You are not ‘stuck’ in your body, you ARE your body. You are an incredible machine; you are atoms and electricity and the most elegant, perfect systems in the universe are you.Saying that you are not pretty enough to be with implies that these guys had already drawn the conclusion that they are dateable and/or fuckable, likely because they have been (or assume they have been) deemed attractive by a female at least once in their lives.

If at any point in your life, any person has wanted to date or sleep with you (regardless of whether or not you reciprocated), then you are entitled to draw this exact same conclusion for yourself. Just as having had good ideas is what makes you a creative person, having been attractive to someone means that you are an attractive person. Having an unoriginal idea once in a while does not cancel out your past or potential creativity. If a handful of men are not romantically interested in you, it does not suddenly mean that you have never been and never will again be seen as attractive to anyone else.

You have no way of knowing how many people think you are “pretty enough”, as this is not the type of opinion that strangers, acquaintances, and male friends tend to share freely. It is fair to assume that a lot of people do think you are, because aesthetic preferences are so varied from person to person. To many of those that would describe you as their ‘type’, you are more than pretty enough, you are sublime.You can also accept that this is true because, while looks are subjective, qualities like bravery, creativity, humor, and self-esteem are the traits universally looked for in a partner.

The more people you give yourself the chance to meet, the more likely you are to find ones that will love your looks and, more importantly, are not too shy to tell you.Weight has absolutely nothing to do with love; there are people of all body types in loving relationships, and even supermodels get their hearts broken. If you are uncomfortable, just do something for a few minutes every day  that makes you feel strong. Taking a walk, dancing, yoga, vegetables, whatever, for just a few minutes. Do this simply to give yourself a little endorphin rush, and to feel more graceful.

Over time you will start noticing some health benefits and feel less discomfort when you dress up fancy to go out and flirt, but when these are the end goals, it can be so overwhelming and difficult to reach them. You will find love either way, so please do not pressure yourself into it. You can do these things just for the good feeling you get right after, because you are lovely and you deserve to feel good.

Now, the only way to fight these negative, self-effacing ideas that you’ve internalized is to replace them with positive ones. Positive affirmations absolutely work. The only way to make them stick is to repeat them all the time. There are apps in the iTunes Store that will play positive affirmations for you as you fall asleep, and, boy howdy, are they effective. You can also record yourself and replay your messages throughout the day. Start a habit of writing them down at set times and you will start to see a difference pretty soon.

I hope this helps and I am sending you a hug.

To have your question featured in “Ask Glenna”, write us at: yourenotprettyenough [at] gmail [dot] com. All questions remain anonymous.

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  • Mariya Alexander

    Couldn’t agree more with my brilliant Glenna!